Photo Competition

As was threatened at the time, the rules will change on the whim of the organisers. Whilst the old are still valid (see end of page), the Scoring Committee have introduced a new measure.

We want photos of a teacakes in unusual, special or generally interesting places. If there's a story with it, all the better. We want teacake photos with a spirit of adventure!

The prize? A selection of Tunnock's produce from my cupboard. Or something.

Email your entries to bob [at]

With thanks to award-winning product design engineer Craig M Smith MEng FRSA, whose idea this whole shindig was. He should, like, totally enter.



Position Points Name
1 22 Mr James Cunningham
2 17 Ms Lesley Atkins & Mr Graham Wharmby
3 10 Mr Gareth Walker
4 10 Messrs Pack & Baird, Miss G Frier
5 7 Mr J David Toy
6 5 Mr Angus Duncan
7 4 Miss A Davies
8 3.5 Mr J David Toy

Entrant: Mr J David Toy (London Bureau)

Title: "Teacake at Primrose Hill, London, Englandshire"

The judges debated this entry at length.

It features a capital city without doubt, and so scores 2pts. More controversial was its claim to be the site of a famous movie scene; Bridget Jones' Diary. The issue lay with whether said film could be considered famous. It was decided to give the benefit of the doubt, but in recognition of the perceived crapness of the film (neither judge having seen it, but having entrenched preconceptions), only 1 point should be awarded. The second point of contention was the claim to be 'at high altitude'. On the basis that the title included the word 'hill' but that those bystanders in shot had no need of breathing apparatus, ice axes or sherpas, 0.5 of a point was awarded.

Total score: 3.5 points

Entrant: Miss A Davies

Title: "Caramel Log at the Canadian Parliament, Ottawa, Ontario, Canada"

Again, cause for controversy with this entry.

After lengthy discussion the entry was allowed on the basis that a reasonable attempt had been made to obtain a genuine Teacake, having searched two Tesco stores and all of Glasgow Airport. In this case, a caramel log was accepted as a substitute, especially given it's unusual bilingual wrapper. A discretionary 1 point has been awarded here for ingenuity, and partially to compensate for the "extraordinary expense" incurred in obtaining such a specimen.

The photo features a capital city and so scores 2pts. Being a parliamentary building, it also qualifies as a terrorist target. However, given that the Canadians have never offended anyone and that a bomb at that distance would barely damage the bathroom window, only 1 point is awarded.

Total score: 4 points

Entrant: Mr Angus Duncan

Title: "A Teacake over the Edge of the Forth Road Bridge in High-ish Winds (Enough to Cause a Speed Restriction)"

This entry has been assessed against 4 criteria.

(1) Danger to photographers life: high-ish winds are the artist's claim here. The Committee have ruled that danger would be recognised only at the stage of banning high-sided vehicles, and not merely a speed restriction, hence 0 points are awarded.

(2) At high altitude: frankly the absolute altitude is unimpressive, but the judges are prepared to award a discretionary 1 point on the basis that it would ****ing hurt if you fell from there.

(3) Capital city: the defendant claims that in being "near the Edinburgh side", the photo qualifies for 2 points. However, inspection by trusted and well regarded independent authority Google Maps has resulted in the Forth Road Bridge being classified as outside Edinburgh, falling outwith the A720 ring-road. Tough luck - 0 points.

(4) Terrorist Target: "I consider the bridge a "Terrorist Target", because of the huge volume of traffic which crosses it and the knock - on effects if it was damaged." The judges recognise the artist's fears here; demolition of the bridge by highly dangerous SNP activists would cause chaos on the A8000, certain to lead to the death of millions of commuters as they starve in their immobile cars. 4 points!

Total score: 5 points

Entrant: Mr J David Toy

Title: "Teacake at Sea"

Mr Toy returns with a fine entry! Apparently Bristol lies over that horizon - he has even helpfully provided a map of its location. 3 points, coz that's cool.

"Unfortunately, shortly after this photo was taken, this particular teacake was swept over the side by a large wave. Perhaps Neptune, god of the seas, is also a fan."

In recognition of this sad loss, The Commission have awarded a consolation point for having lost a dear teacake at sea.

"Before the teacake was taken by the gods it had been subjected to a 730 mile journey by sea with the usual perils of a force 8 gale, confused seas, stealth attacks by supertankers and dangerous approaches by ravenous members of the crew."

That sounds fairly adventurous, but had the photo been taken with the force 8 gale and/or supertanker, we'd have been more impressed. And talking of supertankers, if one of these can sneak up on you then you need to wake the hell up! Hmm... 3 points for surviving your own incompetence.

Total score: 7 points

Entrant: Mr Gareth Walker

Title: "Summit of Mont Ventoux"

"Another entry for your photo competition. I am claiming the following:

1) Its a capital hill and capital of Provence!
2) Summit of Mont Ventoux an obvious terrorist target with its huge
antennae and clear visibility!
3) Has to be a wonder of the world! ( or me at 43 fat, hungover
cycling to the summit)!
4) Tom Simpson as a celebrity
5) High altitude, just under 2000m!
6) Danger to photographers life. 2000m in March with le mistral
blowing wind chill minus a lot, frost bite to hands and to feet with
standing in snow and a 36km down hill ride back to a tent!
7) Also claiming extra points for overtaking 5 cyclists on the way up
and 3 French who gave up a km from the summit due to le mistral and
tried to wave me down to stop, shouting 'il est dangereux!'. I just waved
as I went for broke to the summit."

Legal Update: The Test Case Committee found in favour of Mr Walker, ruling it may be considered precedent that a Team Teacake jersey constitutes a Teacake for the purposes of this competition. In regard of the claims set out above:

1) I can't see the Eiffel Tower... null points.

2 & 3) These claims are clearly the result of oxygen deprivation, and so were dismissed by The Panel.

4) Tom Simpson is indeed a celebrity. A dead celebrity, but a celebrity nonetheless. In fact, he scores bonus points for having never appeared on 'Celebrity Big Brother' or endorsed a low-fat grilling product. 5 points!

5) The Judges agree that 2000m is indeed high altitude, as confirmed by the snow. Having attained said altitude entirely under his own steam again warrants a bonus point: 4 points.

6) Man up. Looks like the sun's out to me!

7) You've done the jersey proud, son. Bonus point.

Total score: 10 points

Entrant: Mr Simon Pack, Mr Colin Baird & Miss Gemma Frier

Title: "Teacakes at the Henri Desgrange Memorial"

This photo bears a striking resemblance to an earlier entry by Mr Walker, and so will clearly score negative 1 point for originality! However, Mr Pack & Chums have bettered our Alpine pioneer by some 700m vertical at 2645m - no mean feat! 5 points.

The claim to be the site of a famous movie scene - "I've lots of Tour de France DVDs for you to check!" - is questionable, as is claiming the Tour de France to be a sporting wonder of the modern world (the panel are still awaiting a badly photoshopped Colossus of Rhodes entry, incidentally). Null points.

Again similar to Mr Walker, the memorial to a dead celebrity. "FOUNDER of the TDF, Henri Degrange - He invented the WHOLE IDEA", Mr Pack enthusiastically informs us. The Panel were willing to match Mr Walker's score of 5 points, but warn the precedent may not continue as living celebrities are just a bit more interesting.

Finally, the presence of 3 teacake (jerseys) in the photo (and 2 behind the camera) scores one last point.

Be warned though! The 'teacake jersey = teacake' ruling may face future legal challenge if it is suspected that entrants are taking advantage of the jerseys' superior durability to avoid transporting teacakes on adventures.

Total score: 10 points

Entrant(s): Ms Lesley Atkins & Mr Graham Wharmby

Title: "Teacake Microlighting"

At last, a worthy contender!

The judges were immediately taken with the obvious altitude, scoring 3 points right off. Danger to the photographer's life was also apparent, as flying no-handed is never recommended... 3 points. Even scoring 1 point for the beautiful evening light, the entry is off to a great start.

However, it was the intimate knowledge of Teacake manufacture that impressed most. Who else knew that the light and fluffy mallow in Teacakes was actually particularly dense cloud? The entrants are clearly flying through the clouds to harvest fresh Teacakes as they are born. Plucking them from the sky as they fall slowly to earth, this inventive pair have demonstrated excellent piloting skills and hand-eye coordination: 10 points.

Total score: 17 points

Entrant: Mr James Cunningham

Title: "Teacake at the Summit of Mont Blanc"

Wow. The scoring committee liked this one.

Although this is the second entrant from atop a French Alp, at 4808m this one is 2.5 times the height of Ventoux. Having reached the highest point in Western Europe under his own steam, we are pleased to award no fewer that 10 points for altitude.

It looks pretty damn cold up there, we can't see much oxygen and Mr Cunningham still has to get down, and so another 10 points are awarded for danger to the claimant's life.

"The pictured teacake, despite being lovingly protected and carried all the way to the summit, was consumed in one large mouthful not long after the photo was taken. It tasted good."

Finally, recognition is certainly due for managing to take accomplish this feat with the Teacake surviving intact: 2 points, and we hope you enjoyed it.

Total score: 22 points

Ze Old Rules

  • Capital city [2pts]
  • Site of a famous movie scene [3pts]
  • Terrorist target [4pts]
  • In a warzone [5pts]
  • Wonder of the World [10pts]
  • With a celebrity [4pts, dependent upon quality of celebrity as judged by the Panel]
  • Being eaten by a celebrity [6pts, again dependent upon quality of celebrity. "Big Brother" contestants are not celebrities.]
  • At high altitude [3pts]
  • At particularly low altitude [3 pts]
  • At high speed [2pts]
  • Low earth orbit [8pts]
  • Geostationary orbit and above [12pts]

Bonus points awarded at the discretion of the Panel according to the following criteria:

  • Imagination
  • Danger to photographer's life
  • Technical and aesthetic quality of photo